Soooo.... it's pretty obvious that I have been inactive for some time now. Well, as far as uploading new SPR posts is concerned.
In reality, I have been crazily, stupidly active. Last last year I even wrote a whole bunch of posts... all I had to do really was find and upload the photos for them (and maybe some references)! – But I just couldn't seem to find the time to sit down to do it! And then I procrastinated, then avoided because it was taking so long, then... you know how it goes (My “panic monkey” is broken!).
Come to think of it... I really have to recommend this blog post! It's a super unique and poignant spiel on genuine procrastination as a real issue and not just how it's used colloquially. However, I'm very different to what is described here. I burned out a few years ago and just don't know how to stop. People say I'm TOO focussed on the future. So my “Instant Gratification Monkey” is actually some mutant hybrid of some other awful creature that swings from “squeeze 10 different deadlines into one day” to “I did too much work and now I'm not going to do anything”! *sigh* Thus begins my battle. And so I go from stages of being super driven and future focussed to being relaxed and actually wanting to enjoy the present and take a day off to spend in the sun (often getting distracted by reading articles on the internet!). So my IGM works the same way, though he comes from a very different place. The sequel to this blog post is even better (and the third dot-point gave me a belly-laugh!)! Please read this sequel, it's awesome (and if you're on here, you can probably relate to it), and it has the most awesome rainbow!!! (Awesome as much because of it's meaning and the significance of that to every human being alive, whether they know it yet or not!)
In reality, I have been crazily, stupidly active. Last last year I even wrote a whole bunch of posts... all I had to do really was find and upload the photos for them (and maybe some references)! – But I just couldn't seem to find the time to sit down to do it! And then I procrastinated, then avoided because it was taking so long, then... you know how it goes (My “panic monkey” is broken!).
Come to think of it... I really have to recommend this blog post! It's a super unique and poignant spiel on genuine procrastination as a real issue and not just how it's used colloquially. However, I'm very different to what is described here. I burned out a few years ago and just don't know how to stop. People say I'm TOO focussed on the future. So my “Instant Gratification Monkey” is actually some mutant hybrid of some other awful creature that swings from “squeeze 10 different deadlines into one day” to “I did too much work and now I'm not going to do anything”! *sigh* Thus begins my battle. And so I go from stages of being super driven and future focussed to being relaxed and actually wanting to enjoy the present and take a day off to spend in the sun (often getting distracted by reading articles on the internet!). So my IGM works the same way, though he comes from a very different place. The sequel to this blog post is even better (and the third dot-point gave me a belly-laugh!)! Please read this sequel, it's awesome (and if you're on here, you can probably relate to it), and it has the most awesome rainbow!!! (Awesome as much because of it's meaning and the significance of that to every human being alive, whether they know it yet or not!)
Me half the time I sit down to write! *sigh*
Assuming you're going to at least have a quick skim of it, I would like to make a quick comment on it: When it comes to writing, The Dark Playground is my computer with an internet connection. The Critical Entrance is my getting rid of (or ignoring) all of my open tabs (sometimes meaning just beginning a clean new window clear of them), The Dark Woods is my ACTUALLY working on the task I originally sat down to do, and Flow is often what comes after I've been writing for a good solid while. Sometimes I fall out of the Dark Woods into the Dark Playground because of research I need to do to finish the task and get into the Happy Playground. And, if you've ever spent more than two hours at a time on the internet, you know exactly what I mean. The research is genuine until it distracts you with a fascinating side note, and you find yourself going from looking at Art-Nouveau Architecture to Zimbabwean Zebras!
Me trying to fit in with the locals.
Anyhoo, that's part of why it's been so long since I've posted. The MAIN reason is that I combined study (which I'll talk more about later) with a whoop-load of volunteering (which was an interesting but ultimately not so useful distraction, though it gave me some great insights) and deadlines (artistic personal ones being pushed aside for volunteering-based ones), all of them negatively impacting on the other. That combined with the suddenly having to move house (one of the things I detest more than anything in the world), accepting casual work in a city about 5-6 hours return journey from home, and a myriad of other stuff (some of it awesome, some not so much).
More recently, I was given a commission of an artwork – a triptych of someone's mother – with a narrow deadline, and this was the first time I had picked up the paintbrush in nearly six months. Where does the time go?! Where is my life?! In the middle of all that, I had a personal crisis that drove me to do something rather ridiculous – use Gumtree to find sports partners, so I could go hiking and learn to surf and other awesome things with once-strange people. Basically because I was neglecting myself socially (needing to spend more time with friends), physically (needing to do more consistent excersise) and soulfully (needing to actually have some fun instead of working all the time), and having limited time, wanted to combine the three into one thing, instead of merely sipping lattes with my existing friends, and organising weekend catch-ups with my best friends, who all live hours away as a minimum (the price of moving around heaps for work or study). This kiiiiind of led to me just spending days surfing, because I was nowhere near as natural at it as I'd hoped I'd be, and I was determined to master it (at least on a basic level), ideally before winter hits! You know, knocking over my bucket list one entry at a time...
Working at a city art gallery has woken me up to a few things though... And re-energised me to chase after the things I love doing most.
So what has this got to do with the title? It was inspired by the work clothes I'd been forced to adopt (and the very tame hair style and colour). And the fact that I had the opportunity to develop a business in a certain field, and dabbled briefly in it, before deciding I was definitely not passionate or interested in it enough to bother, knowing I COULD do well at it but didn't want to do it long-term, therefore not wanting to make the investment in it. And all these distractions (somewhat caused by my tendency to jump on every opportunity I can, instead of only those directly helping my desired future) causing me to become blasé (in fact, just blah), and... beige. In fact I am wearing beige now (warm, versatile hiking gear doesn't typically come in a huge variety of colours)! From this point, it is not just a fight, or a struggle, it is an all-out WAR to reclaim your energy, dreams, progress, etc that every part of your life wants to take out of you (especially toxic situations, environments and people). And artists tend to feel this more keenly than most. So part of my winning the battle has been to get rid of all the toxic people in my life (that I can), the volunteering that was distracting and not helping me, and refocussing on a few critical goals as opposed to letting life live you (Soviet Russia style).
More recently, I was given a commission of an artwork – a triptych of someone's mother – with a narrow deadline, and this was the first time I had picked up the paintbrush in nearly six months. Where does the time go?! Where is my life?! In the middle of all that, I had a personal crisis that drove me to do something rather ridiculous – use Gumtree to find sports partners, so I could go hiking and learn to surf and other awesome things with once-strange people. Basically because I was neglecting myself socially (needing to spend more time with friends), physically (needing to do more consistent excersise) and soulfully (needing to actually have some fun instead of working all the time), and having limited time, wanted to combine the three into one thing, instead of merely sipping lattes with my existing friends, and organising weekend catch-ups with my best friends, who all live hours away as a minimum (the price of moving around heaps for work or study). This kiiiiind of led to me just spending days surfing, because I was nowhere near as natural at it as I'd hoped I'd be, and I was determined to master it (at least on a basic level), ideally before winter hits! You know, knocking over my bucket list one entry at a time...
Working at a city art gallery has woken me up to a few things though... And re-energised me to chase after the things I love doing most.
So what has this got to do with the title? It was inspired by the work clothes I'd been forced to adopt (and the very tame hair style and colour). And the fact that I had the opportunity to develop a business in a certain field, and dabbled briefly in it, before deciding I was definitely not passionate or interested in it enough to bother, knowing I COULD do well at it but didn't want to do it long-term, therefore not wanting to make the investment in it. And all these distractions (somewhat caused by my tendency to jump on every opportunity I can, instead of only those directly helping my desired future) causing me to become blasé (in fact, just blah), and... beige. In fact I am wearing beige now (warm, versatile hiking gear doesn't typically come in a huge variety of colours)! From this point, it is not just a fight, or a struggle, it is an all-out WAR to reclaim your energy, dreams, progress, etc that every part of your life wants to take out of you (especially toxic situations, environments and people). And artists tend to feel this more keenly than most. So part of my winning the battle has been to get rid of all the toxic people in my life (that I can), the volunteering that was distracting and not helping me, and refocussing on a few critical goals as opposed to letting life live you (Soviet Russia style).
Sorry, I couldn't resist :-P
Following this post will be a special post, followed by posts I wrote late last year, followed by all new things under the sun! In the meantime I will battle, and for reasons I can't yet divulge, I now have another “why”.
Watch This Space!!!
Watch This Space!!!
I did iiiiit!!!! Also, this is me whenever I paint. Or have space (noiseless isolation and a time buffer) when I am inspired to song-write.
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