In reality, I have been crazily, stupidly active. Last last year I even wrote a whole bunch of posts... all I had to do really was find and upload the photos for them (and maybe some references)! – But I just couldn't seem to find the time to sit down to do it! And then I procrastinated, then avoided because it was taking so long, then... you know how it goes (My “panic monkey” is broken!).
Come to think of it... I really have to recommend this blog post! It's a super unique and poignant spiel on genuine procrastination as a real issue and not just how it's used colloquially. However, I'm very different to what is described here. I burned out a few years ago and just don't know how to stop. People say I'm TOO focussed on the future. So my “Instant Gratification Monkey” is actually some mutant hybrid of some other awful creature that swings from “squeeze 10 different deadlines into one day” to “I did too much work and now I'm not going to do anything”! *sigh* Thus begins my battle. And so I go from stages of being super driven and future focussed to being relaxed and actually wanting to enjoy the present and take a day off to spend in the sun (often getting distracted by reading articles on the internet!). So my IGM works the same way, though he comes from a very different place. The sequel to this blog post is even better (and the third dot-point gave me a belly-laugh!)! Please read this sequel, it's awesome (and if you're on here, you can probably relate to it), and it has the most awesome rainbow!!! (Awesome as much because of it's meaning and the significance of that to every human being alive, whether they know it yet or not!)
More recently, I was given a commission of an artwork – a triptych of someone's mother – with a narrow deadline, and this was the first time I had picked up the paintbrush in nearly six months. Where does the time go?! Where is my life?! In the middle of all that, I had a personal crisis that drove me to do something rather ridiculous – use Gumtree to find sports partners, so I could go hiking and learn to surf and other awesome things with once-strange people. Basically because I was neglecting myself socially (needing to spend more time with friends), physically (needing to do more consistent excersise) and soulfully (needing to actually have some fun instead of working all the time), and having limited time, wanted to combine the three into one thing, instead of merely sipping lattes with my existing friends, and organising weekend catch-ups with my best friends, who all live hours away as a minimum (the price of moving around heaps for work or study). This kiiiiind of led to me just spending days surfing, because I was nowhere near as natural at it as I'd hoped I'd be, and I was determined to master it (at least on a basic level), ideally before winter hits! You know, knocking over my bucket list one entry at a time...
Working at a city art gallery has woken me up to a few things though... And re-energised me to chase after the things I love doing most.
So what has this got to do with the title? It was inspired by the work clothes I'd been forced to adopt (and the very tame hair style and colour). And the fact that I had the opportunity to develop a business in a certain field, and dabbled briefly in it, before deciding I was definitely not passionate or interested in it enough to bother, knowing I COULD do well at it but didn't want to do it long-term, therefore not wanting to make the investment in it. And all these distractions (somewhat caused by my tendency to jump on every opportunity I can, instead of only those directly helping my desired future) causing me to become blasé (in fact, just blah), and... beige. In fact I am wearing beige now (warm, versatile hiking gear doesn't typically come in a huge variety of colours)! From this point, it is not just a fight, or a struggle, it is an all-out WAR to reclaim your energy, dreams, progress, etc that every part of your life wants to take out of you (especially toxic situations, environments and people). And artists tend to feel this more keenly than most. So part of my winning the battle has been to get rid of all the toxic people in my life (that I can), the volunteering that was distracting and not helping me, and refocussing on a few critical goals as opposed to letting life live you (Soviet Russia style).
Watch This Space!!!